Two Wildly Different New Years

The contrast in how I rang in the New Year for 2018 compared to the last is stark if not startling.

On the last night of 2016 I dolled myself up, chugged a large coffee at 10pm, and plunged into an evening of dancing at a stranger’s house party with old friends and a lot of whisky. I was visiting LA after spending the entirety of the year studying meditation and living off the grid in the Redwoods, and felt myself tumble right back into that old way of being…but it didn’t feel good that time. The night ended with me in a compromising situation I’d rather not relive, and I started my first day of 2017 walking off my hangover alone on the streets of Los Feliz while my gaggle of distant companions slept until noon. I sat myself down on the stoop and told myself I wasn’t coming back. I loved that way of Life once, but I had changed.

So much has changed in me, and it continues every day. I believe that’s to be expected when we put down the fight and allow Life to move through us. She’s swift. Especially when we were a bit foot-dragged through the last few chapters. (Lord knows I know that move.)

This year was quiet. No parties. No people. No red wine or hullabaloo. I spent my night penning a goodbye letter to 2017 and the the person I had been during the year, and every year before. I lit a lot of candles. I meditated. I held ceremony for myself to release my attachments and my identity and stepped into 2018 with a clean slate. There’s something new and powerful and different ready to come through this sweet human this year, so I felt like the past deserved to be honored for all she’s done to carry and support me thus far. I thanked her, and I let her go.

The whole evening felt bittersweet. I sat with shades of loneliness and confusion and stuckness. I sat with gratitude and peace. I sat with grief, knowing that a large part of the “me” I’ve grown so accustomed to (loved, even) will not survive through next December 31st. I can’t fully explain it, but there’s something deep and True in me that knows this year requires a massive letting go. The kind required when we say “yes” to Life as clearly as I have.

And you know what? I woke up this morning and I felt peace. Vibrance. Hope. I felt soft and open and suddenly spending New Years Eve quietly in ceremony alone wasn’t something I was just in acceptance of—I was incredibly grateful for it. Sparks of synchronicity and growth and Love have been dancing with me all day. If this is how 2018 is panning out, I welcome it. I welcome it because it’s coming whether I agree or not, but also because I actually find immense joy in this messy, beautiful unfolding.

Hit me with your best, Life. My arms and my heart are open to you.

Sending Light to all beings, this year and beyond.

In Soul, Danielle

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